Recital

Tonight was Allie's ballet recital (Leah's too) and I went with Erica and saw Craig, Rej and Allie's mom there. Both girls were fantastic! They danced to a song by pink called glitter in the air, which I absolutely love. I hadn't heard it before the recital but it was awesome. Watching people dance always makes me want to get into it again, although I don't know if it's something I would actually commit to. Memo to me: look up a dance studio close to my apartment in Ottawa!

It was nice having us 4 girls in the same space again, even with boyfriends and even if it was at a McDonalds! It's been a long time and I really doubt it'll happen before I move, which is unfortunate.

I've run into/started talking to a few people from my past that I hadn't seen in years. It's totally a time warp thinking of myself as an 8th grader, looking up to the cool 9th graders and thinking all that they were. When you see them 9 years later, they're just people like everyone else, and you wonder why you tried so hard to impress them.

Life is strange that way.

Numerous people I know have now graduated with Gov. General medals of various colours, one was even the arts valedictorian. I'm not sure I'd trade my life for theirs, even though at one point I would have done it without a second thought.

It's interesting how things change.

Wow, Time Flies

I can't believe how far and fast time has flown since I was last writing. Since the last entry I have worked as a teaching assistant at the university, worked for EIA, finished my Honours Bachelor of Arts in Criminal Justice, gotten in and out of a year long relationship, moved out on my own in a cute one bedroom apartment in South Osborne, got my kitten Tigger, applied and was accepted to all five schools that I wanted to attend to do my Masters degree in, decided to go to Carleton, and rented a one bedroom apartment in Ottawa. It's been a complete whirlwind.

Three weeks from today I officially move to Ottawa to begin this new chapter in my academic and personal life. It's not going to be without struggle. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in May, and she will have surgery on June 23rd. I'm thankful that this is before I leave for Ottawa. She will need Chemo and Radiation, but we will skype back and forth, and I'll be home for Kevin and Lisa's wedding in September, so I'll see her then, and then I'm assuming I'll be home for Christmas as well.

Dad and Frank are driving my stuff out in early July and I'll fly out with Tigger on July 6. It feels so soon, yet I knew this was coming in September. Somehow the time didn't seem to dull all the anxiety and worry about leaving.

I'm happy that Anna is doing her Masters in Montreal because then I at least know someone in the driving vicinity to spend time with. Hopefully her and I will get up to many adventures over the course of the next few months.

I still have to register for classes and I have no idea what I'm supposed to take. I'm hoping that sorts itself out within the next few days.

Before I leave I have to get into the eye doctor, see the dentist, get my glasses fixed, pack up my apartment, move to my parents, get everything in order and then move all in a very tiny space of time. Let's hope it goes smoothly!

More Soon

Me.

Swing Life Away

So, apparently I'm still new at this whole blogging thing. Hopefully I get better at it over time. So I'm at a Luke party. Apparently I'm not exactly in the party spirit. Maybe I'll get there too. Kyle Shewfelt competed amazingly today. He was shafted by terrible judging, although that doesn't take away his heart, pride, or humanity. I have the utmost respect for that man.
So what else is new with me?
Well on Thursday I had an amazing night with the Luke. We got all dressed up and went to Joey's. I love feeling all pretty and such. He looked wonderful as always. After an awesome dinner (EAT the CRANBERRY ALMOND SALMON. It's AMAZING!) we went on an awesome walk and watched Dogma. You may think this is a strange movie choice but we've said that we were going to watch it together for the last 3 years and hadn't gotten it done, so another one is finally checked off on the accomplishment category.
So I thought I thought I was getting better with the whole panic attack business but it was a hard struggle for me to get through Thursday. On the way home I called Erin and repeatedly went from feeling like I was going to throw up, feeling fine, and crying all in the span of 5 minutes, and it was a cyclical cycle for at least an hour. I really need to deal with all the drama I've put off. I'm worried about the retreat. I hadn't thought that because of the fact that it takes a boat ride there, it would take a boat ride to get back. Which means if I go into panic mode I'm screwed. Not to mention there is dorm bunking so I'll be in a room with 12 girls. I really don't want them to see me break.
Friday day was fine. Work went well. I went on an hour lunch bike ride all around the trails in birds hill. It hurt! I'm still sore lol. Erin's surprise birthday party went off without a hitch. The drama kind of unfolded after she left, and at this point, I'm not sure I want to fix it, ignore it and pretend it didn't happen or throw a shit fit. I definitely know which one is the most mature option, but it's funny how thats the one I'm the least likely to pursue. Interesting. I really want that feeling back in my life of knowing that I am the absolute in someone's life. I don't think I am anymore. Maybe I never was. I also miss the feeling of knowing that the person who was my absolute gave a shit about me. That'd be a nice one to have back..

Hopefully this all feels better in the morning. Somehow, I doubt it.

Basically, I want to be in love. And I want someone to be in love with me. Last time I checked, those things didn't happen overnight.
Always,
Melliebee.

Learning to Breathe

I'm having a hard time breathing today. Not like the "oh my goodness it's an asthma attack" sort of non breathing, but just like a "this is a prelude to a panic attack someone is sitting on my chest and I'm having trouble taking a deep breath" can't breathe issue. Not good, particularly considering I'm at work. On the plus side, it hasn't turned into an actual panic attack and I'm not feeling that it will. *Crosses fingers and knocks on wood.*
There are 11 minutes until lunch time so hopefully over lunch I will go sit outside and try and breathe deeply unless the rain starts, in which case I will try and find some hiding place in my office. I'm definitely wondering if I started feeling this way because my boss and three other collegues had a meeting this morning. Two of these collegues and I usually seem to be friends but today things are a little bit strange. The meeting was definitely hush hush so I can't help but over-react and get suspicious, even though I'm almost positive it had nothing to do with me.
Yesterday was a good day. Jill and I went on an adventure after church and then bought books and drank starbucks. Yay. I also watched some football, played wii and had a nap. All good things. Unfortunately Wyatt and I didn't connect on our phone call last night but I'm hoping it happens tonight. I really want to catch up and be part of each others lives again.
Tonight there are no set plans. I think this is a good thing. Maybe I'll watch a movie and make cookies. I wanted to watch coach carter last night and make cookies but by the time I thought about it and got organized I really needed to go to bed.
Now it is 12pm, which means its time for me to turn the phones off, lock the door and venture outside into the cloudy but hopefully rain free wilderness.

Wish me luck with the whole breathing thing. I hear it's kind of important.
MJ

I Can Show You The World

Yes, this post is titled after the theme song from the movie "Aladdin". However tonight it was also the first dance song of my cousin and new cousin at their wedding. The whole wedding day today was just aweome. 2pm ceremony at Calvary and then all the non bridal party family went out to Joey's and had some food and booze and then we went off to the reception for 6. Awesome food, great speeches, everything was just great. It made me want to fall in love that deeply with someone and get married. So Jealous. On that note, another cousin of mine (my oldest first cousin) got engaged on Canada day weekend to his wonderful girlfriend turned Fiancee and they broke the news today too! Wedding bells all around apparently. I'm so happy for them too, they've been dating for almost 3 years and for all intensive purposes Nat is already part of the family but now it'll be official! Congrats Rox and Marshall and now Neil and Nat! Love you all!

We Were Merely Freshmen

Alright, So I guess you could say that I'm jumping on the "lets blog about my life" bandwagon, but I haven't used my livejournal in ages and I do miss writing when I'm not in university *as nerdy as that sounds* so here we go again.
I remember days where I used to stay up till the crack of dawn writing and scribbling until my hand, and more often than not my heart hurt. Lately I guess I've just been channeling that same energy into other things, though if you can figure out what those things are you'd be one up on me.
Its interesting how cyclical life really is. Everything begins and changes but it never really ends, just evolves. Thats a strange concept too.

So after all of that you're sitting there going who exactly is this girl?
Good question.
I am a twenty year old university student finishing up my bachelor of arts this upcoming school year. After that I'm hoping that I begin the path to law school but that road has already had some bumps and bruises. Nothing that hard work couldn't fix though. I think more than anything I'm afraid to go all out and say "YES! I WANT TO BE A LAYWER COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!". I'm afraid to give it my all and really commit and then not be good enough, or talented enough or determined enough to really fallow this through. Sometimes it's easier to just convince yourself that it doesn't really matter one way or another, even when succeeding is all you ever think about.
You know the saying "You can be anything you want to if you just put your mind to it and work hard enough?" Yeah. Okay. If that were true Hillary Clinton would be President. *This would be the spot where I shamelessly plug Barack Obama because I love him even though I'm a Canadian citizen who can't do anything about the outcome of the American election* But seriously. She wanted to be the Democratic Nominee for president more than I'm sure I've ever wanted anythign in my entire life. She worked at it she did everything humanly possible short of rigging the election to win. And she lost. I can't help but wonder if my dreams and goals would be destined for the same fate, so in order to avoid that fate, it's easier to just not try at all, because that way, when you don't succeed you have something or someone to blame. An external unstable attribution instead of an internal stable one. I.e. I didn't study hard enough, I didn't try,etc, etc.

So now you're wondering why such a girl would title her blog "live life, love laugh, when it doesn't seem like there's much laughter or love going on. Well I think I'll just tell you to wait on that one. I might surprise you one day.

MJ